


Laid Bare

by WolfAndHound_Archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-05
Updated: 2008-07-26
Packaged: 2018-05-18 10:01:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5924200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfAndHound_Archivist/pseuds/WolfAndHound_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius and Remus have a secret.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Laid Bare

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Lassenia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Wolf and Hound](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Wolf_and_Hound), which was created to make stories posted to the Sirius_Black_and_Remus_Lupin Yahoo! mailing list easier to find. However, even though I still love the fandom, I am no longer active in it and do not have the time to maintain it. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in December 2015. I posted an announcement with Open Doors, but we may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Wolf and Hound collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wolfandhound/profile).

Part One

"Ahhgh!"

With a final mingled cry, they came. Sirius Black, his body boneless

in afterglow, collapsed atop Remus Lupin. Remus closed his eyes,

luxuriating under the weight and warmth of Sirius's body. Keeping

his eyes closed, Remus tried to imagine how wonderful it would feel

to drift into sleep with Sirius's naked body curled around him. How

satisfying to wake up next to him, all smooth skin and warm sheets

and sleep-strewn hair. It would be so nice to use a bed, a real bed

in a real bedroom, not some transformed desk or whatever stick of

furniture happened to be conveniently located in whatever room they

chose for their clandestine encounters.

All too soon, reality drifted into the room.

"Come on, Padfoot," Remus urged, shifting a bit to get Sirius's full

attention. "We've got to get back to the dorm."

With another, more disgruntled moan, Sirius reluctantly sat up.

Muttered charms and a few wand flicks cleaned them up. Remus

dressed quickly and Sirius noticed the slight frown on his face.

"Sorry, Remus. I guess I should have transformed this couch into

something a little more comfortable."

"The couch was fine. I was just thinking about how great it would be

to use a real bed, one of our beds, and just be able to roll over

and go to sleep together afterwards. Not worry about sneaking into

deserted rooms and scrambling back into our clothes and all that."

Sirius pulled his clothing on much more slowly and then sat back

down on the couch, barefoot, shirt unbuttoned, his hair still

tousled from the wanderings of Remus's fingers. Remus licked his

lips at the sight and a little voice in his head, sounding uncannily

like Sirius, prodded him to drop to his knees between Sirius's long

legs, push the shirt out of the way and let his tongue circle a

nipple and –

No. It was getting late. They couldn't risk more awkward questions

from James or Peter. There had been too many of those recently, too

many perplexed looks when they didn't get their stories straight.

Remus grimaced at the thought. Everything would be easier if their

friends knew what was going on.

"We should tell them," he said, reopening a discussion that had

surfaced intermittently over the past few months.

Sirius shook his head resolutely. "I keep telling you it will be

easier once we're out of school. No one will notice what goes on

between two blokes sharing a flat. If people find out about us here,

with the entire school-age wizarding population trotting about, we'd

be targets forever."

"You never worry about the dangers of someone discovering us when

we're fucking our brains out in an empty classroom. What if someone

barged in and found us?"

Sirius waggled a suggestive eyebrow. "But, the thrill of discovery

makes it even more exciting, doesn't it?"

Sometimes Sirius's do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do attitude irked Remus to

no end. "Spoken by an idiot who hasn't spent most of his life

hiding things from the world." Remus muttered irritably.

Sirius raised his hands in a placating way. "All I'm saying is that

a lot of people would find this disgusting. We already have to watch

our backs as a matter of course from the Slytherins. Don't you

realize how much worse they'd be if they knew we were gay?"

"I'm not talking about announcing it in the Great Hall! I'm saying

we should tell James and Peter."

Sirius's gaze dropped to watch his hands button his shirt. "No."

A bolt of understanding smacked Remus in the head. He was

momentarily amazed that he hadn't seen this before. "You're not

really concerned about Peter, are you? It's James. You're worried

about how James will react. You don't want to tell him because you

think he won't accept it. Won't accept you."

Sirius rose to his feet, shoving his shirttails roughly into his

trousers. "Don't be daft. James didn't care about what sort of

family I came from. It's never mattered to him that you're a

werewolf. He knows people can't always control the situations they

find themselves in."

"But you still won't tell him. You can't change the family you were

born into and I can't change that I was bitten by a werewolf. But,

you're afraid James might think we chose this willingly."

"Just drop it, will you?" Sirius strode towards the door. "It's

getting late."

Remus perched on the arm of the couch and watched the door close

behind Sirius. He waited, wondering if this time Sirius would

hesitate and return to him. He waited, wondering if Sirius could

bring himself to admit the truth in Remus's observation. He waited

in vain.

With a sigh Remus left the room. There was no sign of Sirius in the

hallway. `Nice of you to wait for me,' Remus thought irritably.

Really, it was beyond idiotic. How long did Sirius think they could

hide what they were up to? How long before Peter or James noticed

the expression of mingled lust and affection on Sirius's face when

he looked at Remus, when he thought no one would notice? Or how

their hands strayed to touch each other almost without thought?

He'd caught himself several times reaching for Sirius, wanting to

feel the solidity of his shoulder or the curve of his hip, or the

thick silk of his hair, only to yank his hand back at the last

second, faking an itch behind his own ear. He knew he'd looked

totally spastic.

Remus had concealed his lycanthropy for almost as long as he could

remember. And, when finally and unexpectedly his first real friends

found out about it, it changed nothing between them. Remus

remembered the paralyzing fear that had gripped him when his three

dorm-mates had confronted him about being a werewolf. When they then

swore that it made no difference to them, his overwhelming relief

had nearly made him cry.

A little worm of fear twisted in his gut. This was different. This

wasn't an accident of birth or the result of a chance encounter with

a monster. This was something internal to them. Maybe he was wrong

and Sirius was right to be cautious and hide it. Maybe this was

something that could break apart their friendship.

"Hey, Moony!" Peter Pettigrew yelled as he came around a corner and

saw Remus walking ahead of him. A wide grin split his round face as

he jogged to catch up. "You'll never guess what just happened."

"You got up the nerve to ask Diana Lemcourt out on a date and she

said yes."

"Oh, so now you're Mr. Divination, are you?"

"Am I right?"

"Yeah, you are," Peter punched Remus's shoulder. "She seemed really

pleased that I asked her."

"Peter, you're always surprised that girls want to go out with you.

Have a little more confidence in yourself."

"Well, you know I can't help but wonder why they're not throwing

themselves at Sirius or James."

"Half of them are, but, as we know, James is otherwise spoken for

these days. And Sirius-"

"Yeah, what about Sirius? He hasn't gone out with anyone for a long

time. Don't tell me girls are actually turning him down?" Peter

seemed inordinately pleased at the idea, Remus thought.

"I think he's got a lot on his mind. Just when he thought he was

free of his family there was all that uproar over his uncle

Alphard's will."

Peter snorted. "Yeah, when you've got looks, brains and money, life

can be tough."

"Those things don't guarantee a struggle-free life."

"They'd make it easier," he grumbled. "Give me looks, brains and

money, and I'd do amazing things."

"You've already done an amazing thing. You're an Animagi."

Peter straightened up and smiled.

Sirius had not gone straight to Gryffindor Tower after leaving

Remus. Instead he headed towards the Hidden Balcony on the fourth

floor. At the opposite end of the corridor from the statue of Boris

the Bewildered was a trompe l'oeil painting of a balcony that looked

out towards the Forbidden Forest. If one tapped the second baluster

from the right with a wand, the painting, which was really a door,

swung open to reveal the real balcony. It had just enough room to

pace while smoking a cigarette or two. And, due to the cool April

evening, Sirius knew he'd have complete solitude. Contrary to

popular opinion, Sirius did occasionally take the time to think

about things. He simply managed to do this out of sight of most

other humans.

He drew that first deep drag of smoke into his lungs and immediately

huffed it out. Damn that Remus. They'd had hot, hard, mind-blowing

sex; the kind where human traits like speech and thought drown under

the onslaught of what bodies can do to each other. And then that

irritating wanker had to start harping on about telling James and

Peter.

Sirius traversed the balcony several times, wondering why today

Remus's words rankled more than usual. Another deep drag and this

time he held his breath, feeling the smoke seep through every inch

of his lungs. He flicked away the ash, watching as the gray bits

sparkled in the air and disappeared. How could Remus be so clueless

about James? James would never turn his back on them, if he knew.

But, with the end of school coming up and deciding what they were

going to do and how all this Voldemort stuff was going to affect

them, well, why add another distraction to the mix? They could

afford to wait until they were out in the world.

Yes, best to put it off for a while. Besides, if they waited and

things went badly, at least they wouldn't be sharing a dorm. They

wouldn't have to face James and Peter's disapproval every day. No.

Sirius shook his head to chase that thought away. That wouldn't

happen. He wouldn't lose James as a friend. As a brother. Would he?

"No." He felt better saying it out loud. A final drag burned the

cigarette down to almost nothing. Sirius tossed the butt in the

air. It flared briefly and vanished. The smoky taste lingered.

He'd charmed the pack to make sure not to leave traces of ash or

butts, but did nothing to remove the flavor or scent the cigarettes

left behind. Remus didn't like cigarettes. Maybe he'd try to corner

that fastidious git on their way to dinner and shove his tobacco

tainted tongue down Remus's throat. That would pay him back.

The following Saturday:

"But-"

"I'm sorry, James, but Eleanor is really in a bad way over this. I

didn't even like leaving her alone for the ten minutes it took to

get down here and tell you."

"But-"

"Please, James, don't be mad at me. You're always there for your

friends when they need you."

She had him with that one. With a small sigh, the perpetually messy

haired James nodded at his girlfriend. "Alright. Go comfort

Eleanor. But you owe me, Lily. What am I going to do with all

this?" He hefted the sacks dangling from his hands. "I hate to see

a perfectly good meal go to waste."

Lily grinned, the light in her eyes bright enough to rival any

decorative emerald. "Share it with your mates!" She shouted over

her shoulder as she ran off to find her heart-broken friend.

James trudged in her wake, grumpy about his sudden shove off the top

of Lily's list of priorities. He'd planned a private picnic for the

two of them and, to his immense relief, the weather had cooperated.

It was a beautiful spring day and now it would all go to waste.

Someone had to eat this food he'd scrounged from the kitchens. He'd

head back to his dorm to see what the others were up to. Peter ate

anything except green vegetables. Remus abstemiously ate one serving

of everything. Sirius ate anything at anytime, although he sneered

at items that found their way onto his somewhat eclectic list of

pretentious food. Escargot, anything with aspic, melon balls, showy

desserts. James winced, thinking about the selection of prettily

iced petit fours he had begged from the kitchen elves. Lily loved

them. Sirius, however, was sure to arch a disapproving black brow

and say something scathing. Maybe he'd hide them and give them to

Lily later.

He smiled, thinking about her, wondering how she planned to make up

to him for this precipitate cancellation of their date. James's

normal good humor had already started to reassert itself. It was

hard seeing a friend go through a break-up, although Eleanor was

something of an actress in search of a role. She was entirely too

dramatic for a Ravenclaw. But, she was Lily's friend, and he

understood about being there for your friends. Look at what he,

Peter and Sirius had done for Remus with the Animagi transformation.

"Treacle tart," James said to the portrait of the Fat Lady.

"Oh, I would just love some," she sighed back at him, swinging open.

None of his fellow Marauders was in the common room. He continued

up the stairs to the dormitories. Opening the door to their room, he

called out, "Anyone here fancy a bite of-"

His words ended on a gasp. Across the room from him were Remus and

Sirius. Lying on Remus's bed. Shirtless. Arms locked around each

other, kissing. They were kissing! No, this was way beyond kissing.

They were devouring each other. Tangled in the bedclothes, they

struggled to sit upright at James's intrusion. All three froze,

staring. James noticed Sirius's arm still possessively encircling

Remus's waist. And he saw a strange coloration on his best friend's

shoulder that looked suspiciously like a bite mark. James backed out

of the room and fled.

The other two sat in immobile disbelief. This hadn't happened. It

couldn't have. James had gone to meet Lily. He'd be gone for hours.

They had thought that this time they were safe from intrusion; safer

than any of their previous encounters in various empty rooms around

Hogwarts. Their secret couldn't have just blown up in their faces.

"Fuck!" Sirius cursed, leaping off the bed to scramble for his shirt.

Remus's brain was in over-drive, trying to find a way out, a way

back, a plausible excuse or a reasonable explanation that would make

everything alright. He couldn't see one.

"Holy fuck!" His shirt semi-buttoned, Sirius hopped on first one

foot, then the other, tugging on his boots.

"Sirius," Remus stood, recognizing the cold feeling in the pit of

his stomach. It was the same lurching chill he got when he suspected

someone had discovered he was a werewolf. He had always known this

would happen. "We have to come clean about this and tell-"

"Are you crazy?" Sirius pulled a sweater over his shirt and headed

for the door. "No, we can explain it! I can explain it."

"Sirius, he saw us! How can we possibly deny it?"

Sirius stopped suddenly, as thought wrested control from

action. "We'll tell him we were just fooling around." He looked at

Remus. "You know, experimenting."

The feeling in Remus's stomach intensified as he slipped on his

shirt and slowly sat back down on the bed. Deny it. Hide it, in

spite of the evidence. It hadn't worked when Remus sought to hide

his lycanthropy from his roommates. Oh, Merlin, what was the point?

"You really think he'll believe that?" Remus was sure that James

was already playing things over in his mind, seeing past moments of

Remus and Sirius together. Coming into the Hospital wing to visit

Remus after a transformation to find Sirius already there. Entering

their dorm to find the two of them in quiet conversation, sitting a

little too close together. Speeding through the Library to check

out several books and stumbling on them at a table hidden behind the

stacks. Moments that had increasingly been shared by only the two of

them over the past few months, as James had spent more of his free

time with Lily, and Peter had found a succession of girls to go out

with.

"Of course he will." Sirius's confident tone was belied by the

panicked look in his eyes.

Once more Remus tried to reason with him. "Look, maybe this is the

opening we needed. Now that he's seen us we can tell him honestly-"

"We don't have to tell anything," Sirius interrupted, his bravado

flying back as quickly as it had fled. "It's not like we were

totally naked or anything. We were just kissing. Everyone wonders

what it would be like to snog someone of the same gender, right?"

"And you don't think running after him to spin him this story will

be the slightest bit unbelievable?"

"Remus, don't worry. I'll fix this."

"Damn it, Sirius! I don't want you to fix it. I want you to admit

it. Admit who you are – to James, to Peter and to yourself!"

Sirius's head snapped back as if he'd been struck. He stared at

Remus for a long moment, and then spun on his heel and left the room.

Running lightly down the stairs, Sirius blew through the common room

and out the door. Where would James have gone? God, he really

missed having the Marauders' Map handy. Damn that Filch.

Sirius hunted through the Castle, visiting various places where

James might be, asking people he came across if they had seen James

pass by. No one had. Every place Sirius looked was empty. He

redoubled his efforts, backtracking to places he'd already looked.

Gradually it dawned on him that he could circle endlessly through

the hallways and run up and down countless staircases, and never

find James. Desperation began to weigh him down and the uncertainty

he'd banished earlier came back with a vengeance.

He found himself on the fourth floor and decided to have a smoke and

think about this. Leaning on the edge of the Hidden Balcony he

stared at the Forbidden Forest without actually seeing it. Now that

he wasn't tearing around the building, his stomach churned with the

anticipatory dread of what would happen when he finally found James.

The door opened behind him and Lily Evans appeared. Her eyes

flicked to his cigarette. Great, just what he needed now – a health

lecture or a scolding for breaking school rules.

"Planning on deducting house points for smoking, Head Girl?"

She moved to stand next to him. "Only if you won't give me a drag."

Not for the first time, she surprised him. "I didn't know you

smoked."

"I don't. Not really. All I really want is the occasional puff."

"Oh, so you don't actually spend the money to buy your own. You just

cadge them from other people."

"Right," she smiled. "Well, are you sharing or not?"

He handed her the cigarette, admonishing her with a sly grin. "James

doesn't approve of smoking."

"James doesn't approve of a number of things, as I'm sure you

know." She stared up at him, her face open yet serious.

He looked away, feeling vaguely uncomfortable under her regard.

"Remus thought you'd be here if you couldn't find James."

"You spoke to him?" Just what did Remus tell her? Sirius felt his

stomach start doing somersaults.

"He said this is where you come when you need to think."

He considered that for a moment. "He's noticed? I didn't know."

"Remus notices everything about you. Surely you know that. Or maybe

not. You are just a bit self-centered."

"Hey, just because I'm letting you mooch my cigarettes, doesn't mean

I have to listen to you blacken my character."

She shrugged but remained silent.

"What do you mean about Remus noticing everything?"

She wondered how much to say, but a glance at his expressionless

face decided her. That this normally volatile, impulsive young man

now sought to hide his emotions spoke volumes.

"I know how he feels about you. And, even if I didn't, I've seen how

he looks at you. And, I've seen you look back."

"I don't know what you're talking about." With an elegantly

dismissive shrug of his shoulders, Sirius dug out another

cigarette.

"Okay, fine. But, if I've noticed, you can be sure other people

will, too, if they haven't already." She flicked the end of the

cigarette and watched curiously as the ashes twinkled into

nothingness. "What did you do to these to make the ash disappear?"

"What other people?" To someone who didn't spend as much time

around Sirius as she did, he would have been able to carry off that

attitude of cool detachment.

"Well, James, for one. I know the two of you spend less time

together than you did, but it still seems like you're often joined

at the hip. Except when you're off with Remus somewhere." She

tossed the butt over the railing. Her eyes widened when it

disappeared. "That's quite good, Sirius, making sure you get rid of

all the evidence. Filch must hate it when he can smell cigarette

smoke, but can't see any traces of it."

Sirius thought it was time to tackle this directly. "So just what

did Remus tell you?" He hated that he couldn't quite squash the

tentative tone in his voice.

Lily looked straight back into the sea-gray eyes. "Do you want to

know what he said today or in a previous conversation?"

Not a muscle twitched in Sirius's, but seemed to grow a few inches

taller as tension pulled his spine erect. "He's talked to you about

this before?"

"Last month something was bothering him. It was right after that

ugly Quidditch match against Slytherin. James was in hospital

overnight and you were in detention, so the two of us talked for

hours. He needed to tell a friend, a discrete friend, about what was

going on between the two of you."

She looked at him anxiously, hoping she was not crossing some unseen

barrier. His absolute stillness was starting to unnerve her. "He was

worried that it would get out by accident, and he wanted to find a

way to tell James and Peter before that happened."

"And that's it?"

"And, that you refused to tell them. Now he's worried that you're

going to come up with some half-baked explanation that no one in

their right mind would believe."

"Remus can worry for England."

"Sirius-"

"James saw us. Did Remus tell you that?" With harsh finality, he

cut her off and stalked back and forth across the balcony. He

abruptly flung his half-smoke cigarette away. It flared into bright

flames like a small comet and then died into nothingness.

"Not exactly. He just said that the worst possible thing happened

and went up to his dorm."

For the first time since she had joined him, Sirius turned to face

Lily directly. "James found out. Unexpectedly, just like Remus

feared. He took off, and I haven't been able to find him."

"I don't know where he is-"

"He was supposed to have been with you!"

Her mouth dropped open. "What? This is my fault?"

"No, I didn't mean it like that." He swept his hands back through

his hair and then let them fall uselessly to his sides. "I just wish

I knew where he was so I can try to talk to him."

"Let's go back to Gryffindor Tower. He's bound to show up there

eventually."

"It's been really great living at the Potters'," he said, out of the

blue. "They're decent, normal people who seem to think I have at

least a few worthwhile attributes. They don't look at me like I'm

some kind of diseased mutant messing up their home."

Lily thought about the increased distance she'd felt developing

between her and Petunia. She knew how it would hurt to break

completely from her only sister. She couldn't imagine what it was

like to be so totally rejected by one's own family. Tentatively, she

stepped next to Sirius and slipped her hand into his.

"You won't lose James. He might need time to get used to this, but

you won't lose him."

"What if he won't listen to me?" She'd never have believed before

this moment that he could look so young and vulnerable.

"Then, he'll have to listen to me. And, I'm on your side."


	2. Part 2

Sirius found Peter in the Gryffindor Common Room hotly engaged in

beating the pants off Edward Nipser in chess. Peter winked at him

and said, "We've had an impromptu tournament here, playing for

bottles of Merlin's Tears. If you're nice to me I might let you have

some."

Merlin's Tears was their code phrase for Firewhisky, the thought of

which always brought a smile to Sirius's face. But now he was sure

his muscles were forming a death rictus instead of a grin. Peter's

lack of alarm at his expression meant that he had evidently managed

smile normally, and also that James hadn't told him the news.

"Hey, Black, it's bad form to steal a mate's girlfriend, " Maureen

McPherson called across the room.

Lily made a face. "He didn't steal me. He's kept me company since

James has wandered off someplace. Has anyone seen him?"

No one had.

Sirius nodded at Lily and she smiled at him encouragingly. He went

up to his room where Remus stood staring out a window.

"Did you find him?" He asked without turning around.

"How did you know it was me?"

"I knew it wasn't Peter because I can hear the occasional shouts

whenever he's added to his winnings. He's won a slew of games

today. We'll have quite a party. Hangovers for everyone."

He finally turned to face Sirius. "Besides, I recognize your step."

Sirius noticed he didn't mention James. "I didn't find him."

He sank onto the nearest chair, suddenly flattened by dread. He had

no idea of what to do, other than wait for James to return. There

were no fresh paths for his thoughts to follow and no activity that

could release him from this limbo. He felt like a fly caught in a

spider's web.

"You told Lily about us." Curiously, Sirius felt no anger at Remus

for revealing their secret. He couldn't decide whether this was a

sign of maturity or whether he was so keyed up about James that this

other revelation just didn't matter. Or maybe it was simply because

it was Lily who knew. Who knew and hadn't told James.

"She'd already figured it out," Remus replied, his face giving

nothing away.

"Woman's intuition or are we that obvious?"

Remus shrugged. Mentally he geared himself up to restart that

endless discussion. The tension he tried to hide showed itself in

his voice. "We have to tell them, Sirius. We can't try to downplay

it."

"I know."

Startled, Remus's mouth dropped open. Sudden surrender was not a

Black's style.

But, before he could say more, a loud cheer echoed up the staircase,

followed by a rapid patter of feet approaching. The door banged open

to reveal Peter clutching several bags which clanked alarmingly when

he raised them in triumph.

"The chess gods have smiled upon me and I shall graciously allow you

ungrateful lumps to partake of my generosity as I shower you with

mead."

"Mead! I thought you played for Firewhisky." Sirius was pleased that

his voice and demeanor seemed almost normal. Normal enough to pass

inspection by Peter, at any rate.

"I did. Mead sounded more regal somehow." Peter looked

around. "Where's James? I'm starving. It's hard work maintaining my

chess crown and I deserve a large and sumptuous dinner as a reward."

"I'm feeling a little off," Remus said, his eyes meeting Sirius's

briefly before he turned back to the window. "You two go ahead. I'll

send James after you when he shows up."

Peter happily recounted the epic tale of his chess matches in an

excruciating move-by-move recap. Sirius made the right noises at

the right times to keep the flood of chess escapades flowing. He was

grateful for Peter's single-mindedness as it meant he didn't have to

keep up one side of a conversation.

But it also gave him time to worry. What if James returned to the

dorm? Would he stay and talk to Remus or run off again? Worse, what

if he was already at dinner? Was he upset enough to say something in

front of who knows how many people? Dread twisted Sirius's guts like

hands squeezing water out of a washcloth.

James was not in the Great Hall. He didn't show up during the

dinner that Peter wolfed down and Sirius picked at. He wasn't in the

dorm when they got back after dinner. By this time, Peter knew

something was not right and his eyes bounced from Sirius to Remus

and back again.

"Okay, what's going on with James?"

Sirius heaved a deep sigh, hoping to make dread's clammy hands

release his intestines. It didn't work.

"We have something to tell you," he began. "You might want to have

some of that Firewhisky handy."

So they took turns in the telling; how long it had been going on,

how they both knew this was a part of them and not something they

could change. How often they had debated on when and if to tell

Peter and James and how they had never figured out a good way to do

so. Remus ended with an account of James's discovery and Sirius's

fruitless search to find him.

Through it all Peter had said nothing. Now, his expression stony, he

asked, "Is James angry at you or just disgusted?"

In his heart Sirius was afraid that James was precisely one of these

things, if not both. Remus replied calmly, "We don't know, Peter.

What are you?"

Peter abruptly lurched to his feet and walked to the window farthest

from them.

"I don't know. I don't know how I feel about it. This is a complete

shock."

He said nothing more for a while. The silence weighed down on them

as if the very walls of Hogwarts sought to crush them. It was all

Sirius could do to sit still when what he really wanted was to fling

himself across the room to Peter and ask, demand, plead for a

response. Even rage would be better than this blank silence.

Finally Peter muttered something. Remus's eyes narrowed. "What was

that, Peter?"

Peter turned towards them, his expression defiant. "I said you think

you know your friends." He shook his head. "I guess I shouldn't be

that surprised about you, Remus. You always keep things close to the

vest. You've always had secrets. But, you, Sirius. You really caught

me off guard."

Peter couldn't place the look on Sirius's face. If he didn't know

better, he'd almost think that Sirius was afraid. Sirius, who feared

nothing, or, if he did, could mask it better than anyone he knew.

Slowly, Peter walked to the door. Before he left, he turned to them.

"I'm not going to say a word to anyone else, but I need to think

about this. See you later." And he left.

Was this good or bad? Sirius had finally agreed with Remus and they

had told a close friend and nothing was resolved. Peter hadn't

outright rejected them, but the only adjectives he'd used had

been "disgusting" and "angry." But, he'd also said he wouldn't tell

anyone. Maybe that was good, unless he didn't want to say anything

because he worried people would think he was gay, too.

"Oh, God, Remus, what do we do now?" He felt frustrated, boxed in.

"I guess we wait for James." Remus flopped onto his bed, leaning

back against the headboard.

"What about Peter?"

"I think he really does need time to get used to what we told him.

And, I think he wants to know James's reaction before he decides how

to deal with us."

It sounded cynical, but then Peter often formed his opinions only

after James had voiced his own.

"Are you sure you don't want anything to eat? I'd be happy to go

down to the kitchen and see what the elves would be willing to part

with."

"I'm not an invalid, Sirius," Remus said rather more sharply than

he'd intended. "I can go down myself if I'm hungry."

"Sorry." Sirius looked affronted. "I feel cooped up and I thought I

might as well get out and do something worthwhile. I didn't mean to

imply that you're incapable of taking care of yourself."

Remus was instantly contrite. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at

you. I guess I'm more anxious about this than I want to admit to

myself."

His eyes searched Sirius's face, and in his heart he knew that no

matter what James and Peter thought, he wouldn't walk away from

Sirius. If it came down to keeping their friendships or keeping

Sirius, it was no contest.

They sat in tense silence. Even the ambient sounds that echoed up

the staircase from other people, other rooms seemed more hushed that

usual.

Finally Sirius sprang up. "I can't stand it. I'm going down to the

kitchens. Are you coming with me?"

Remus looked at him, his hazel eyes troubled. He slowly stood and

walked up to Sirius, never breaking his gaze. Tentatively his hand

reached out to softly touch Sirius's shoulder. Then, quicker than

the eye could see, they were in each other's arms, pressed together

in a tight embrace seeking comfort or strength or reassurance.

Reluctantly, they eventually let go. Sirius leaned in and gave

Remus a quick kiss and then raised his brows at Remus's knowing

smile.

"What?"

"You didn't stop for a cigarette after dinner. That's nice."

"Yeah, well, I didn't really think about it. Don't credit me with

being nicer than I am."

Remus snorted a laugh and his smile got a little stronger. "Let's

go. I could do with a roast beef sandwich."

They were not the only students out and about in the corridors, as

it was still early in the evening, but Sirius felt unaccountably

jumpy.

"Why do I feel like we're breaking the rules?"

"Because we are," Remus replied mildly. "The kitchens aren't

exactly an approved hang-out."

"Oh, come on. We go there all the time."

"We run around the Forbidden Forest all the time, too."

Trust Remus to be logical. It was his most irritating characteristic.

They turned a corner and ran smack into James.

Everyone stood stock still. Sirius felt a momentary surge of

hysteria which almost made him comment on how lucky they were that

this time everyone was fully clothed.

"I-I've been looking for you," Sirius managed to say when the

silence had stretched to uncomfortable lengths.

James's chin raised slightly, just the way it did when he got ready

to hex someone.

"Why?"

"Why? Well, because…well, why do you think?"

"You tell me." He looked grim and Sirius realized that he was going

to make them do all the work.

"Because of what you saw today," Remus interjected, "and what it

means to all of us."

James glanced at Remus for a split second, before his eyes snapped

back to Sirius.

"And what do you think it means?" The question was directed at

Sirius. Remus realized that, although the situation in which they

found themselves encompassed all four Marauders, the crux of it, as

always, concerned Sirius and James.

Sirius's shoulders squared. The tension that had underpinned his

every expression over the past hours disappeared. What was left was

the kind of face that gifted sculptors sought when carving noble

princes or gallant knights.

"I think it changes things in some ways because you and Peter now

know something innate about us that you didn't know before. But it

shouldn't change other things. You're still my brother in all but

blood. Peter is still my friend. I'm sorry you found out the way you

did. I wish we had thought of a way to tell the two of you sooner.

If you want to blame some for that, blame me, not Remus."

James stayed still as a statue.

Sirius continued, his composure intact. "I don't know that there is

anything we could have said that would have made this any less

uncomfortable. But Remus and I can't change this, any more than I

can change my heritage or he can stop being a werewolf."

He paused once more and looked at Remus standing next to him. "And

we won't change how we feel about each other. Not for you or Peter

or anyone else in the world. You can either accept us or not. It's

up to you."

James turned and walked slowly away from them. Sirius heard Remus's

sharp intake of breath as he felt his own heart constrict. Just as

slowly James stopped, turned and walked back to them. He looked

searchingly at each of them in turn, as if he recognized them from

some time long ago, but couldn't remember their names.

"I don't get it. You both date girls. That's all a sham? Just a

smoke-screen while you're busy lifting each other's shirts?"

He seemed more confused than angry, they noted, although that was no

guarantee he wouldn't erupt at some point.

"James, we didn't suddenly wake up one day and decide to be

homosexual," Remus said. James flinched slightly at the word. "We

both tried to do what was expected. Go out with girls and brag about

how far we got with them and all that."

"And we discovered it was a lie, James. It's as much a lie to me as

parroting all that Toujours Pur stuff my family spouts. Besides,

when was the last time either of us went on a date?"

James rounded on him, his fists clenched. "You've been my best mate

for seven years, Sirius. We've shared a room here and at my parents'

house. We've paraded around naked in the locker room and the

showers. And all this time you've…you've…"

Sirius's frayed nerves finally came close to breaking.

"I've what?" He practically spat at James. "Seen you naked? Big

deal. Don't you dare tell me that everyone on the Quidditch team

keeps their eyes to themselves. That's a crock and you know it.

You're the one who spent weeks obsessing about that spot on Graham

Prescott's cock."

"That's different," James snarled back. "That was just a joke. I

wasn't eyeing him because I was lusting after him. "

"Are you saying you think I've got the hots for him? You think I

want to fuck any guy who comes near me?"

James only glared in reply. Sirius stepped closer to him. "Or are

you mad because I've never made a move on you?"

With a strangled growl James grabbed Sirius's shoulders and pushed

him hard against the wall.

"James!" Remus yelled. Sirius merely stood there, hands at his

sides. James stepped back, his breath ragged.

"Well, look at that," Sirius drawled, leaning casually against the

wall. "You actually touched me and your hands haven't rotted and

fallen off."

Remus suddenly stepped between them. "Stop acting like idiots," he

demanded. He gave James a shove backwards with one hand while the

other pressed firmly against Sirius's chest. He looked sternly at

James. "Maybe you have an excuse because this came like a bolt out

of the blue and now suddenly you think you don't know Sirius

anymore. Or me, for that matter. But, do you really think we're

totally different people than the people you knew yesterday? Do you

really think that Sirius wouldn't bleed every last drop of his blood

for you?"

He turned to look at Sirius. "And you. You always get verbally

aggressive when you feel threatened. Shut up before you say

something you'll regret later."

"I'm not threatened-"

"Bollocks! You're afraid James won't have any more to do with you,

so you'll say something to really piss him off and make sure he's

the instigator of whatever stupid thing the two of you might do."

He backed away from them. "Well, go on. If you're really serious,

take out your wands and hex the shit out of each other."

James and Sirius eyed each other, their feet shuffling slightly.

When Remus was sure they wouldn't regress into anything too

immature, he turned and resumed his walk to the kitchens. "I'm

getting something to eat."

After a few seconds, Sirius shouldered his way past James, who

remained motionless. Sirius stopped and, not knowing what else to

say, muttered, "You're welcome to join us."

James's eyes dropped and he shoved his hands into his pockets, not

saying a word. Sirius waited a few more moments, watching the

inscrutable look on James's face. When it didn't change and he

didn't speak, Sirius left.

He found Remus at a table in the kitchen, where a horde of house

elves practically stumbled over each other to bring Remus a gigantic

sandwich overflowing with roast beef and pungent cheddar cheese.

Sirius caught a whiff of horseradish as the plate whisked past his

nose to land in front of Remus.

A voice behind them made them jump. "Looks like you've got a whole

cow in that bread."

Remus nodded, looking at the fearsome sandwich and then up at

James. "You want some?"

Pushing his glasses up with one finger James slid around to the

other side of the table and sat down. "No thanks. I ate most of the

food I was going to share with Lily."

A wizened elf popped up next to James. "Meddy would likes to know if

the young master's pretty miss enjoyed the petit fours?"

James glanced at Sirius in time to see a patrician black brow arch

in disapproval. "Oh, yes, she was very appreciative," he enthused.

With a satisfied nod, the elf went briskly off.

James leaned forward conspiratorially and whispered. "Actually, I

tossed them into the lake."

"You didn't save them for her?"

"They got all mashed when I slammed the bag into the wall," he

muttered sheepishly.

"Was that an accident, or were you upset with someone?" Sirius

asked with a glint in his eye.

"You're a smart boy, Black. You figure it out." James batted back.

Remus gulped down the large wad of beef in his mouth, wondering if

he'd have to break up a fight here in the kitchens. It really

wouldn't be wise to upset the elves.

Sirius sighed. "I've already apologized for not handling this

better."

"I know, I know," James's raised his hands in a peace gesture. He

sat slightly hunched over frowning through the table as he sought

the right words. Finally he looked at them. "Look, I admit this

makes me uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable. I don't want to see

the two of you…well, you know. I don't even want to think about it.

But, you're my friends and friends stick together. I mean, what's

the point of being friends if you just chuck it when something

unexpected happens?"

"Like when you discover that one of you is a werewolf?" Remus asked

with a smile.

James nodded. "Right. Or when one of you has death-defying rows with

his parents and needs a place to stay?"

"Or when one of you gets named Head Boy and starts dating a cheeky

red-head?" Sirius chimed in.

"Hey," James barked. "I thought you liked Lily."

"I do. Very much. It's the Head Boy thing that's really annoying."

"Don't cross me, Sirius, or I'll let Lily know where you go to smoke

cigarettes. That's always good for losing House points."

Sirius smiled the smile that always made James nervous if he didn't

know exactly what Sirius was thinking. "Right, I wouldn't want her

to find out about that, would I?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two weeks later, Remus sat in the Library reviewing his

Transfiguration notes. McGonagall was pushing them down to the wire

with her assignments. Lily walked past with several of her friends

and surreptitiously dropped a note onto his text.

Upon opening it he saw Sirius's neat hand. "Tonight. In the dorms.

8:00. Happy Birthday."

This didn't make much sense, as the month of April was dwindling

away and his birthday was in March. What was Sirius up to?

Whatever it was, he gave nothing away at dinner when Remus pressed

him, only telling him he wasn't permitted to enter their rooms after

dinner until the assigned hour. James and Peter both shrugged when

he asked them. It was moments like these, shared occasions like

meals, when it seemed like things had never gone wrong between the

four of them. Remus knew his friends were still uncomfortable with

what they knew. But, they were trying to come to grips with it. He

was sure that James and Peter had had some intense conversations,

probably much like the conversations the three of them had had when

they discovered he was a werewolf. They were dealing with years of

attitudes and prejudices common to their society. That they were

making the effort meant something.

Shortly before eight o'clock Remus saw James and Peter making their

way to the door out of the Common Room. They had their book bags

with them.

"It's Saturday night and the two of you are off someplace to

study?" He asked in disbelief.

James leaned forward, his voice low. "No, you idiot. We're clearing

out for the night. I've got the Cloak, so we're headed for the

Shack."

The full implications of that left Remus momentarily short for

words. "Oh."

The other two left quickly, probably to put mental as well as

physical distance between themselves and whatever Sirius and Remus

intended to indulge in.

Remus climbed the stairs slowly, feeling suddenly nervous, like this

was a first date. As he was about to push open the door to their

room he hesitated. Perhaps it was better to announce his arrival

with a knock.

"Come in," he heard Sirius say. Two simple words laden with levels

of invitation. Remus slowly pushed the door open.

The room was bathed in soft, warm light from dozens of candles

strewn across every available surface. Gold Gryffindor lions rippled

across fabrics in the wavering firelight as if they had come alive.

The deep red curtains and bedspreads looked impossible rich, like

the plushest velvet.

And standing in counterpoint to the vibrant crimson and glittering

gold was Sirius, wearing a silk robe of gleaming ivory. The elegant

drape of the cloth accentuated his tall, lithe body. The belt

knotted loosely at his waist allowed the folds of the robe to fall

open slightly, revealing a long slice of skin.

He stood at a small table pouring red wine, his movements precise

and graceful. Slowly he extended a hand, offering a goblet to

Remus, his welcoming smile promising more delights to come. Remus

crossed the room to him, thinking he'd never looked more ravishing.

They clinked their goblets together and took a sip. Remus was drawn

to that sliver of flesh revealed by the robe. He ran his hand

lightly down the lapel, feeling it run like water through his

fingers, his knuckles grazing Sirius's chest. He felt just the

slightest quiver against his hand.

"You do remember we celebrated my birthday last month, don't you?"

He asked, all the while thinking that this celebration would

undoubtedly be much more memorable.

"I'm not a complete idiot, Moony." Sirius smiled and Remus

wondered, not for the first time, how he had been lucky enough to

attract someone this exquisitely beautiful. "I thought about what

you said a while back. About how nice it would be to stay in bed

together. No interruptions. No fear of discovery. No clawing our

clothes back on inside out when we hear someone at the door. Just

us. In bed. All night. So, that's what I'm giving you."

Remus put his goblet down, the wine temporarily forgotten in the

need to have both hands free. He leaned into Sirius, wanting to

feel him. A tantalizing woody scent whispered from his warm skin,

escaping the robe. Remus's hands curved around the arcs of Sirius's

hips, pulling him closer, the silky fabric sliding over bone and

muscle. He felt fingers wind through his hair and gently tilt his

head just so, the angle just right for their lips to brush gently

across each other. Tentative, teasing until they both gave into the

desire for more, their mouths melding together for long, deep kisses

that tasted of wine.

A familiar, quivering ache pooled in his groin in response to

Sirius's body. He felt the hard length of Sirius's desire press into

his thigh and then suddenly a hand pushed against his chest, forcing

unwanted space between their bodies.

"You're wearing too much clothing," Sirius's husky voice purred in

his ear. His hands strayed, nimbly trailing down Remus's chest to

unbutton both robe and shirt. Remus shrugged his shoulders to send

his robe slithering to the floor. It was followed shortly by every

stitch of fabric on him. Sirius scooped up Remus's new robe from

his bed, his birthday gift from last month, and held it open for

him.

"So you're going to make me wait, are you?" Remus said, conscious of

Sirius's eyes wandering appreciatively all over him. He slid into

the robe, made of impossibly thick Egyptian cotton. Sirius had

considered silk, but knew how passionately fond Remus was of soft

terry cloth and how reluctant he had been to part with the old robe

that was two sizes too small for him. The only way to make him toss

that threadbare bit of cloth had been to replace it.

Remus's eyes had glowed like jewels when he first touched the new

robe. Now he allowed Sirius to slide it onto him. It was like

putting on a cloud. Except clouds didn't have strong arms that

wrapped around him from behind, tying his belt. Clouds didn't nuzzle

him, right below his ear, or kiss little, sucking kisses down his

neck. He couldn't suppress the muffled growl of pleasure in the back

of his throat.

Sirius nudged him forward. They walked back for their wine, never

allowing even a sliver of light to come between them. However they

moved or turned or walked, they stayed together, hip to hip, thigh

to thigh, hands wandering over shoulders or around waists, fingers

brushing through hair or across cheekbones.

Soon enough they were curled on Sirius's bed, the wine on the

bedside table almost forgotten in the flush of deep, searching

kisses that went on for forever. And still, they remained half-

wrapped in their robes, their desire evident through the draping

cloth, but they prolonged the wait, even though they panted for it,

the rhythms of their bodies demanding release until finally their

senses overcame their will and they dove into one another in a

tangle of limbs and linen and drowned in pleasure.

Time expanded their universe. Time and solitude. The urgency of

coupling disappeared. Instead, they had time for intimate

explorations of each other. Hours for fingers to wander across the

dips and hollows of flesh and bone.

They discovered new things. Sirius discovered that massaging

Remus's feet had the effect of unstringing all the muscles of his

body and leaving him completely inert. Remus realized that tracing

his fingers slowly down the line of Sirius's dark hair from chest to

groin made him arch his back with the languor of a satisfied cat.

Never before had Sirius dared to run his fingers and then his tongue

along the scar that marked Remus, the scar that would dog his steps

for the rest of his life. Remus had never before let anyone, not his

parents or magical healers, linger over that mark. With the touch of

his fingers and lips, Sirius asked permission. With the gradual

relaxation of his body, Remus granted it. In some ways it was the

most intimate thing they had ever done.

"You were right," Sirius murmured into Remus's ear at some point

later in the night. Many of the candles had flickered out and

others they had snuffed out, leaving more dark than light in the

room.

"About what?" Remus had never felt such heady lassitude as he felt

now, spent and content lying against Sirius.

"Telling them. At the very least, it got us this night."

"Mmmm. It's worth every bit of tortured anxiety we went through."

"They'll be okay with it, won't they?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Remus?"

"Yes?"

Sirius took a breath and almost said three small words. But, an

uncharacteristic caution stopped him. It wasn't yet time for those.

Instead he cupped his hand against Remus's cheek and leaned in to

kiss him deeply, and hoped that his gestures spoke what he couldn't

yet say.

Later still, when all but four of the candles had dimmed, Remus felt

deep pleasure just hovering a few moments away from sleep, curled

around Sirius. He hadn't imagined spending the night together would

feel so good.

Sirius looked at the four remaining candles still burning on the

night table. A short candle, two tall candles and a medium one. It

was like the four of them. Peter, standing next to James, who stood

next to Sirius, who was closest to Remus. The small candled

guttered and went out. Sirius licked his thumb and forefinger and

quickly extinguished the other three. `Goodnight James, Sirius and

Remus,' he thought as he snuffed out the flames.

He settled comfortably against Remus, feeling warm and drowsy. And,

most of all, happy. His eyes drifted shut and the sound of Remus's

slow, even breathing lulled him to sleep.

END


End file.
